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Friendly Advice: How Not To Be Approached By People 19 July 2007

Posted by Basilios in Fun.
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Today I’m taking a break from music reviews to help a friend in need. This guy I know has a problem: he’s been invited to a social gathering that his arch-enemy will also attend. How to have a nice time at the party without being approached by an obnoxious nemesis?

Well, being the nice chap I am, I decided to help my friend in trouble and come up with plans to avoid undesired conversations with the opposing part. And you would, if you knew him.

  1. Let’s start with simpler ideas. Cattle prods! The chap comes closer, zap him. Simple and elegant, it has a zen-style bare approach. And it doesn’t pollute!
  2. Pretend you’re a boring person. Talk about, I dunno, lesser known Roman Emperors. Collecting coloured paperclips. The variations in shades of brown paper in the standard envelope. The different fonts used in signposts. Italian politics of the 50s. Even the most vain and attention seeking will think twice.
  3. Chemical warfare. Not of the kind you’re thinking of! Keep a small can of aerosol instant cream in your pocket. When the chap approaches, spray some cream in your mouth and pretend to have rabies. Have him see you when you spray the stuff and I guess the message will be clear enough. This requires the hosts to be informed beforehand to avoid being shot on sight by concerned policemen.
  4. Psychological warfare. Let him talk to you. Let him talk to you. Let him boast and show off. Let him talk and talk about his grand accomplishments, his perfect job/car/house/girlfriend/motorbike. Just nod and smile. Drink it all. Go Oooh and Aaah in the right places. When he’s finished (even a pro bullshitter runs out of lies sooner or later) look at him seriously for a couple of seconds. Then laugh out loud. Point and slap a hand on your knee. Run out of breath, cough, catch your breath and laugh again. He won’t bother you anymore. This also solves the secondary problem of your nemesis spreading rubbish about you – everyone he will talk to afterwards will think he’s being petty and vindictive because you laughed at him.

There! Plenty of great ideas. Feel free to borrow them, and let me know how they work out!

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Comments»

1. bitbot - 19 July 2007

Haha hey I love this post! Especially number 4. I know an irritating person who is JUST SO FULL of himself.


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